1. Greek Gods Hated Babies.Now, some of you may have read my blog last week. So you may actually
know this one. The Greeks version of creation is filled with baby hate. The god
Erebus trapped all of his children in hell (until one escaped and castrated
him). Cronos ate all his babies (except one, and he regretted that).
Zeus had many children (with MANY
women) that he ignored, while his wife Hera would torment them and “test” them
continuously. I guess Zeus didn't know how diabolical these baby
gods can be.
2.Getting High For
Jesus. Have you
been busted for trafficking 20 tons (40,000 lbs) of marijuana? Do you want to
get off free and clear, and keep your pot? Well, just claim that you are
practicing an old Jamaican religion, The Ethiopian Zion Coptic Church. A sect of Christianity founded by pot farmers, in Jamaica.
In 1979, the state of Florida recognized
them as an official religion, and came to the decision that the “use of
cannabis is an essential portion of the religious practice." Therefore it
falls under the protection of the first amendment. With expensive lawyers and
much persistence they beat the system, and people said pot heads are lazy.
3. Scientology. Here is a newer religion that is
gaining much popularity, especially with celebrities. This religion was founded
by L. Ron Hubbard (1911-1986). Hubbard was a science fiction writer, but some people, for some reason, believe it as fact.
He wrote that people are actually immortal beings, who forgot our “true nature,” practitioners are often required to relive past traumatic events in order to “free themselves” form their past, this is called an audit. Auditing in scientology involves
measuring the body’s resistance to electricity with a machine called an
E-meter. An electrical current is passed through your body and the auditor asks
questions and reads the E-meter to see if you have been “cleared.”
“I’m ready for my audit now guys…. Guys? Ummm… guys?"
Scientologists believe we are the
confused spirits of aliens frozen, transported to this planet, killed in a volcano, and then brainwashed (in
that order) by the powerful Lord Zenu. The confused alien spirits then inhabited the bodies of pre-historic man.
Check out this short, two minute video from The BBC:
4. Burnt Souls. OK, so far everything has been fairly
tame. No one has been offended yet, right? Well, I can fix that for you.
According to the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi verse 5:21;
“And he had caused the cursing to
come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For
behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like
unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and
delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did
cause a skin of blackness to come upon them.”
This one is a bit long, if you don't want to watch the whole thing, skip to 2:00 minutes, you'll only have to watch about 30 seconds.
Wow…. They actually believe that
black skin is a curse, bestowed by God, as a punishment for not choosing a side
in the battle between God and the Devil.
5. Magic Underpants.It comes as no surprise that the same people, who believe that last
statement, also believe some other crazy things. Mormons have what they call
their “Temple Garments” but to the rest of the world these are known as Magic
Underpants.
Mormons believe that wearing these
underpants provides them with “Spiritual Protection” and helps them resist the
temptation of sin. Many Mormons insist that the underpants also provide
physical protection, though they argue on the amount of physical protection it
has. Some church leaders claim that their underpants have protected them in car
wreaks, fires, and other natural disasters.
So, you need not be offended by what
Mormons think, they believe some weird stuff. I mean, the entire
religion was founded when a man supposedly found some gold tablets in the
woods, he was the only one allowed by god to see or read these tablets. Man,
some people are gullible.
It was a quiet night. A handful of us were huddled around a
fire, our stomachs only half filled with spoiled food. We were trying to keep
our mind off the fact that tomorrow we go to battle. Tomorrow many of us will
die, maybe all of us. But, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shift my mind
to different thoughts. I was wishing for a distraction when an old man finally
broke the silence, “you know, several of you may die tomorrow, and I bet most
of you don’t even know where you came from. Why our homeland is sacred and has
to be defended from those damn Romans, do you?”
The statue of Zeus in the temple at Olympia stood more than 40 feet high.(Copyright Lee Krystek, 2011)
We all looked to one another and
shook our heads. “Not really,” I said, “I mean, I know it’s something about Zeus and Mt Olympus, right?”
“Yes,” he chuckled, “It is something
like that, but there is so much more to it. Greece is the birthplace of all the
races of gods and men.”
“In the beginning,” he continued,
“there was only chaos, and out of this chaos was born Erebus god of darkness and Nyx goddess of the night. Erebus and Nyx had sex”
One of the boys interrupted “you didn’t say you were going to
tell us a dirty story Uncle Homer.”
“Yeah, well there is a
lot of it.” Homer replied, “And if you interrupt me every time it comes up, we
will never finish this story.
“That would be fine with me,” another boy said, “means we
wouldn’t have to fight tomorrow.”
A Depiction of Gaia the Earth Goddes
Homer cleared his throat “anyways, Nyx then laid a giant, golden
egg an egg she sat on for ages. Slowly, life began to stir in the egg, until one
day it finally hatched and
Eros, the God of Love, was born. When his
shell broke the bottom of it fell and became the Gaia (earth). The top became Uranus (heaven). Nyx and Erebus had several
other children including Tartarus the God of a place of torment, and
pain that exists beneath the underworld. When you die and are judged, if you
are a wicked person of deserve divine punishment you will be sent to Tartarus. Then
Eros made Uranus fall in love with Gaia, and from their union sprang many
children. Their first three children were monsters with fifty arms on each
side, and fifty heads. Uranus, who never wanted offspring to begin with,
trapped them in Tartarus. They were the most hated of his children. Uranus and
Gaia then conceived many other children Oceanus, Coeus and Crius and Hyperion and
Iapetus, Theia and Rhea, Themis and Mnemosyne and gold-crowned Phoebe and
lovely Tethys. She
delivered the Cyclopes, who were strong spirited and stubborn-hearted. They
would be the ones to give Zeus the thunder and made the thunderbolt: in all
else, they were like the gods. But they had only one eye, and it was set in the
midst of their fore-heads. Uranus trapped all of his children in Tartarus. Last
she conceives Cronos, the King of the Titans. Gaia conspired
with her children against heaven but they were all gripped by fear. Only Cronos
was willing to ambush his father. Gaia laid herself out and soon Uranus came
along bringing night with him. Uranus spread himself upon her and Cronos sprung
from his hiding place and castrated his father.He flung the severed member into the ocean where a maiden grew from it,
Athena goddess of fertility.”
“Whoa! So Cronos cut off his own fathers penis?” Someone
asked. I looked up and noticed the size of our little group had grown slightly.
About a dozen men standing around listening intently to this old man’s story.
“Yes, he did, and in doing so, he freed his brothers and
sisters.” Homer answered. “Cronos then became the king over all the other
titans which, which were all his brothers, sisters, and cousins. Because he was
the one who had over thrown Uranus. Cronos takes his sister Rhea as his queen, and took to living on
Mt Olympus, and all was well. But then Uranus decided to take steps toward his
revenge. Cronos and Rhea are delighted in the news that Rhea is with child, Hades the god of the underworld. During
the celebration Uranus told Cronos that it is his destiny that he be overthrown
by his son, just like Cronos over threw his father (Uranus). These seeds of
doubt grew in Cronos’ mind and he knew what he must do. As soon as Hades, was
born Cronos ate him.”
“Cronos did what?!” exclaimed another new audience member.
The number of people listening had nearly doubled in the last few moments.
Replica of the Omphalos stone. It is located in Delphi.
“He ate baby Hades.” Homer replied, now having to speak a bit
louder for everyone to hear. “Now where was I? Oh yes, Cronos ate Hades because
he was afraid of his child rising up against him. Now, just like we have seen
with past the first generation of gods, just because they don’t want kids
doesn’t mean they stop having sex. Cronos and Rhea conceived four other
children that Cronos also ate Hera, Poseidon, Hestia and Demeter. At this point, Rhea is distraught -
she desperately wants to have a child that she could watch grow up. So, she
conspired against Cronos with Gaia and Uranus. Rhea was pregnant with her sixth
baby, Zeus. Uranus and Gaia agreed to help Rhea conceal the child. When Zeus
was born, before Cronos saw him, Gaia switched the baby with a special stone.
The same stone that we have in our home city at Delhpi.”
“I wish we could eat
rocks” mumbled a soldier near him as his stomach growled.
Homer sighed and continued “Rhea swaddled the stone in baby
blankets and presented it to Cronos, who ate it without giving it a second
look. Gaia raised Zeus in a cave on Mt Ida, far from where Cronos would look
for him. Years passed and young Zeus grew strong, he was often reminded of his
brothers and sisters still living and growing to adult hood in his father’s
stomach. Uranus helped sow seeds of hate, towards Cronos, in Zeus. Zeus formed
alliances with Cronos’ brothers the Giants, the Cyclopes, and Cottus, Briareos, and Gyes the beasts with fifty arms and
heads. Together with his uncles, Zeus stormed Mt Olympus and brutally defeated
Cronos and the other Titans. Zeus took a blade and split his father’s belly,
releasing his trapped brothers and sisters. Zeus took the defeated Titans and
cast them deep into Tartarus, and took the throne as King of The Gods.”
“Zeus is great” exclaimed an excited listener. I looked up to
see the crowd was still growing.
“Now, Gaia didn’t exactly like how roughly Zeus had treated
the Titans because, after all, most of the Titans were her children. So to
punish him for his deeds, she sent two of her other children to fight him, the
monsters Typhon and Echidna. It was a magnificent battle, ending with Zeus
standing victorious. After Zeus defeated Typhon, he trapped him in a mountain,
but he allowed Echidna to live. As the newly crowned King of The Gods, Zeus
needed a queen. So, he married his sister, Hera.
Together they had several children, And Zeus ha many more childeren without Hera, but that is another story. Zeus saw that the world was far too empty now that the Titans had been locked awaty in Tartarus. So, together, with two other gods Prometheus (fore-thought) and Epimetheus (after-thought), Zeus started working on the races of the world. The Gold men came
first, followed by the the Silver men, the Bronze men were third, and finally the
Iron men. The Gold men lived in a paradise. Crops grew wildly everywhere, meat
and fish was plentiful. Everyone was peaceful and they never fought any wars.”
Homer sighed wistfully, “if only we had the fortune to live in those days,
huh?”
“Unfortunately all good things end, and one day, for no known
reason, the gold men disappeared. Zeus soon replaced them with the Silver men,
but these men were a weak race. They spent most of their lives as infants, they
had a short time of healthy adulthood and then they had a long, agonizing
period of old age. Zeus didn’t take much time in replacing them with the bronze
men. But, these men were too vicious and very quickly killed each other off.
Zeus finally found the right ingredient when he made us, the Iron men. He made
us after multiple failed attempts and finally got it prefect.”
Bust of Homer
(British Museum, London)
Homer stood up, and looked out at his audience. Now there
were too many heads for me to count in such low light. “So you see men, you
need not be scared of the battle tomorrow. For we are the men made of Iron,
nothing is stronger than Iron!” He yelled. His statement was met with
thunderous applause. "With the true Gods on our side, we cannot lose!"
“Now men, it’s late and we all have something we have to do
tomorrow,” he chuckled. “But, I’ll tell you what, for those of you who are brave enough to survive, tomorrow night I’ll tell you
about the first women, Prometheus bringing fire to the humans, the many
children of Zeus, and the trials of Hercules. Goodnight men.”
Too Long; Didn't Read? Fine, just watch the video.
Zeus
